Born for Eternity: God’s Sovereignty Through Child Loss

Elizabeth Giles
6 hours ago
18 min read

Two pink lines.

Allie stared at the test. Joy lit her face as she grabbed her phone to text her husband. Jeramy was engaged in conversation with their guests and unaware of his new title: father. Years later, the memory still brought chuckles as the couple recounted the day that changed their lives.

She was pregnant, and they were overjoyed!

Psalm 139:13-14

For You formed my inward parts;You wove me in my mother’s womb.I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;Wonderful are Your works,And my soul knows it very well.

God Saved Allie

Kids weren’t always in their plans.

After joyfully helping raise her siblings, Allie entered adulthood ready for a break from child-rearing. As the eldest daughter, she had spent years being the responsible one—the one who noticed what needed to be done and made sure it happened.

She liked things planned, organized, and under control. Even now, she color-codes every event in the couple’s shared Google calendar. But that instinct for order eventually became something heavier, feeding anxious thoughts and bouts of depression. When she recognized that she needed help, Allie sought out Christian counseling.

“It was not Christian - they just labeled it as Christian. It was very psychologized. I was like, this is not helping. Like, nothing is getting better. So finally she [the counselor] just told me, ‘Well maybe you should read your Bible.’ But she didn’t give me any clear direction.”

Despite the lack of biblical clarity in the counseling room, the advice to read her Bible was still the best advice Allie could have received. She began reading God’s Word for herself, digging deeper into Scripture. Through the truth of the Gospel, God brought Allie to saving faith.

Romans 10:17

So faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ.

God Saved Jeramy

Baptized at age 15 and raised in the church, Jeramy always considered himself to be a Christian.

“It turns out that I was just a ‘good person’ and well behaved. I never read my Bible, never prayed. If I prayed, it was just to ask for things I want. It wasn’t actually prayer,” he shared candidly.

He’s the more expressive and impulsive half of the couple, quickly springing from self-deprecating jokes to thoughtful reflections about Sunday’s sermon without skipping a beat. He knew the pretty, intelligent girl with the quick laugh was the one for him from the first time he met her. Allie, meanwhile, can’t even recall their first meeting.

Their marriage was happy, but the Lord used those early days to expose Jeramy’s self-deception. He spent his time playing video games and watching TV, most concerned with his own comfort and relaxation.

One day, his brother Ben suggested he listen to a podcast about forgiveness. Jeramy began listening at work, and his interest was piqued. Exploring more Christian teaching, he found a John MacArthur sermon on YouTube.

“He was the first person that I had ever listened to in my life, that really explained Scripture with Scripture,” he marveled. “I was hooked on his sermons. I just could not stop listening to him, and for the first time, I heard about false Christians.”

Jeramy listened to Pastor MacArthur teach on Matthew 7. “I was like, what?! You know in Matthew 7, it says ‘Lord, Lord, did we not do miracles in your name, do this and that for you?’ And where it says, ‘Truly I say to you, I never knew you. Depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’ I remember just like, whoa! I’ve never heard that growing up in my old church.”

That teaching became a pivotal moment for the newlywed. For the first time, Jeramy confronted the possibility that he himself was a worker of lawlessness, strolling along the wide path to hell.

Matthew 7:13

“Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it.

Jeramy saw the truth: he was a sinner, in need of a Savior, and there was nothing he could do on his own to deserve the forgiveness he sought. His sin could only be atoned for through the blood of Christ. Like Allie, God gave him a new heart, and his desire for repentance sprang from that new heart.

Like many Christians, neither of them can name the hour or the day, or even the week that the Lord saved them. But they both know with faithful conviction that their old man is dead and they are now alive with Christ through the grace of God, which gave them faith to believe.

Titus 3:5

He saved us, not by works which we did in righteousness, but according to His mercy, through the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit.

The Faithful Church

The COVID-19 pandemic began less than a year after Jeramy and Allie were married. Government officials soon ordered citizens to stay home and restricted gatherings to no more than 10 people. Churches closed, and online “worship services” became the norm, exposing both weak pastors and fearful congregants. Some churches understood the law of God to be superior to the law of the land and continued to meet faithfully. Through those circumstances, the Lord brought Jeramy and Allie to Grace Church in Greeley. There, Pastor-teacher Travis Allen’s exegetical preaching convicted and encouraged them.

Hebrews 10:25

not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

A Heart Made Ready

Jeramy and Allie’s love for the Lord deepened. They eagerly served wherever they were needed, and their small apartment was frequently filled with people. Allie loved creating a place where meals stretched into long conversations, and game nights gave friends a place to linger.

As Allie grew in her understanding of God’s design for marriage, family, and children, her desire to become a mother grew with it.

One week in September, their church was hosting a conference. They spent countless hours serving Christ through His church - setting up and tearing down chairs and tables, handling administrative tasks, and organizing hundreds of details within their areas of service. Fittingly, they discovered they were parents to a preborn child in the midst of that chaotic weekend, surrounded by guests they had gathered to serve.

Colossians 3:23-24

Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. Serve the Lord Christ.

Leaping Babies

The pregnancy was smooth and easy, and excitement rippled throughout the church. Allie’s baby shower was a cheerful affair, filled with beautiful details she had thoughtfully curated. Every guest went home with a tiny jar of local honey - a small parting gift that reflected Allie’s instinct to make people feel cared for.

“Pregnancy was surreal, even how easy it was,” she sighed, rubbing her growing belly, fondly. “It was really sweet just to be able to feel the baby move around.”

Once, while she was taking a walk, a dog barked so loudly that it startled the baby, causing the child to leap in her womb!

Long before conception, Allie had worked out baby names with Jeramy. Despite her love for planning, they chose to keep the gender a surprise until birth.

Luke 1:41

And it happened that when Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.

Wonderfully Made

The baby grew and stretched Allie’s small frame. Every Sunday, other mothers greeted Allie with sympathetic, knowing smiles. Elderly people and children, meanwhile, offered the accidentally rude observations that come so naturally to them. Ever gracious, Allie would simply laugh and rub her pregnant belly.

At 40 weeks and three days, Allie waddled into church, longing to hear the teaching from the pulpit and fellowship with her church body despite the discomfort of late pregnancy.

Cause for Concern

The Lord has granted the world tremendous benefit through medical advances. Yet He alone understands every cell of the body He created, from the moment He made them male and female until now, despite the world’s trumpeting of knowledge.

“That morning, he wasn’t quite moving. Like, it was just very slow. And I was just kinda like, that’s weird. He’s usually more energetic in the morning,” Allie said. Jeramy encouraged her to reach out to their doctor.

The possibility of a stillborn child crossed Allie’s mind. She told Jeramy, then quickly pushed the thought away. “It was a quick thought. Like, oh, what about people who have their kids die? We thought about that. But then dismissed it, like oh you know, it’s not us. We always have that thought, right? That it’s never going to be you.”

Allie followed the medical advice to get the baby moving - drinking juice, lying on her side, walking around while drinking water, and trying other recommended methods. Though the movement was small, it was there. To ease their minds, they left Sunday worship service in the middle of singing and went to the doctor for a nonstress test.

“I remember just deciding, let’s leave church and just go right now. Why not?”

Their pastor noticed them leave and sent them a text as soon as he finished preaching.

The nonstress test revealed a strong heartbeat, with a weaker tone than expected, but still in the normal range. Relief flooded through the young parents.

The doctor advised them to go to the hospital for an induction. On the way, Jeramy and Allie grabbed a Whopper from the Burger King drive-through before flooring it to the hospital. They were filled with joyful anticipation at the thought of welcoming their child into their arms soon!

After they checked in and settled into a triage room, a nurse began another nonstress test for the hospital records. Her brows furrowed as she moved the device all around Allie’s belly with careful concentration.

“It was just kinda weird. Like, oh, she can’t find the heartbeat yet. But we didn’t think anything of it,” Allie sighed.

They called in the charge nurse, but she could only pick up Allie’s heartbeat, so they called for an ultrasound machine and a doctor.

“The doctor came in, like lightning quick. She rolled the thing in right next to me, sat down, and immediately just started looking around with the ultrasound,” Allie lifted her glasses and swiped at her eyes.

The doctor paused her rapid movements with the wand and took Allie’s hand. “She just said, ‘I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that your baby’s no longer with us.’”

The Lord Takes Away

“It was just a shock. We didn’t even know what to think or how to process what she even said,” Jeramy’s voice cracked. “I asked if there was anything - anything - they could do! But the doctor said no, there wasn’t.”

Job 1:21b

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

The door closed behind the doctor and nurse, leaving Allie and Jeramy alone with their God to lament.

“We just hugged each other and cried, and we prayed,” Allie said.

Their memories of sorrow were routinely interrupted by short chuckles and thankful smiles. Perched contentedly at their feet, their toddler played cheerfully, unburdened by the heavy story her parents were retelling. The couple gazed down on their precious blessing through glistening eyes.

Matthew 5:4

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Birth Without Breath

The baby had to be delivered, so the doctor returned and compassionately but matter-of-factly laid out the plan.

“She told me that I was already feeling a different sort of pain than physical and she didn’t want me to feel any physical pain from this,” explained Allie, on why an epidural was the next step.

Staff placed a sign on the door, asking those around to remain respectfully subdued.

While 1.1 million babies across the U.S. are legally murdered in utero every year, a stillborn child screams the truth about their personhood. However, this mother didn’t want her baby to die, so staff members entered with somberness, each one offering their condolences before silently going about their task.

When Pastor Travis checked in on Jeramy without a reply, Travis called him.

“I just lost it. And then I just told him, and he said, ‘I’ll be right there.’ He came right after church.” The couple was certain they had already cried all their tears and would be recounting their story with dry eyes. They were wrong.

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Their pastor gently helped them navigate the many practical decisions ahead, including where they would bury Rafael and the other details that accompany death.

“We were just zombies,” said Jeramy. But Pastor Travis read Scripture with tenderness, offered to stay all night, and quietly walked them through what came next.

Allie labored all night. Without a squirmy newborn to make the work easier, her body had to work harder.

“11:22 a.m. or around there, the baby came, and that’s when we found out it was a boy.” Jeramy shifted in his seat to look at his wife. “We were able to name him Rafael Boaz.”

Jeramy told most of the story while Allie listened, occasionally adding a detail or gently correcting a fact. Even in recounting the most difficult days of their lives, she remembered the smallest detail. She carried the emotional burden of this trial along with the physical pain.

“It was sweet just to have Jeramy and I there,” she said quietly. “Just us. We didn’t have any other family there when he was born. We just had the two of us and the nurses and the doctor.”

The hospital coordinates with a nonprofit organization that provides professional photography for families experiencing infant loss called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Allie printed the photos and carefully decorated each page, scribing Bible verses and memories throughout.

Allie reflected on holding her son for the first time. “I think one of the hardest things to wrap our head around was seeing Rafael once he was born. He was created so perfectly; fearfully and wonderfully made as Psalm 139 says. He looked like he was asleep. We both just thought like oh what if he just moved right now. Opened his little eyes and came back to us. So seeing him and leaving him was one of the hardest things because of him looking so sweetly like a sleeping babe.”

He was not a clump of tissue and cells. He was not a medical decision or a woman’s right. He was a child made in the image of God, knit together in her womb, fearfully and wonderfully made.

He didn’t live too long, nor did he die too soon. He lived the perfect number of days, down to the second, which God ordained for him before the foundation of the earth. Even more, the Lord knew Rafael and loved him.

Rafael’s effectual calling to Heaven was made clear by his death in infancy. He was born a sinner, like all mankind is, since the fall of Adam and Eve, but he was called home before he was able to understand the Gospel. Scripture gives us reason to believe that Rafael was sovereignly regenerated and saved by Christ’s atoning work, entirely by God’s grace. God elected him before the beginning of time, even though Rafael never consciously exercised saving faith. 2 Samuel 12:23 gives us hope that Rafael is now with his Lord. Although that knowledge doesn’t stop the pain of losing a child, it does prevent despair in grief.

2 Samuel 12:23

But now he has died; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

The Family Meets Rafael

Allie and Jeramy sat in the hospital room, holding their baby wrapped in a blanket, marveling at his perfection even as they grieved his lifelessness.

Their parents and family members entered the room together, rotating through time with the couple so they could mourn without becoming overwhelmed.

“I just remember giving him to Allie’s mom first. Everybody passed him around, and they all got to hold him. It was really sweet though. Actually it was really was sweet. It was really sad, but it was really sweet too. Everyone got to hold him…” Jeramy trailed off, lost in thought, and Allie sniffled.

A Son Is Born, a Son Is Mourned

Their fragile state made another service at the church too much to coordinate, so they held a funeral service for him then, led by Pastor Travis. They held another intimate service later, at the burial grounds.

“Honestly, I don’t really remember of lot of what he said. But I just remember sitting on the bed, bawling,” Jeramy shrugged. But he read the message later and kept a copy of it for himself.

Saying goodbye to Rafael’s physical personhood was incredibly hard. Although the hospital told them they could take as long as they needed, eventually they had to leave. The couple needed to be discharged and leave the hospital room.

“It was kinda weird,” Allie said. “Like, what time do you leave your son?”

A question that cannot be answered.

So they spent the rest of the day holding and mourning over their firstborn son, until they made the devastating decision to say goodbye.

Instead of signing consent for vaccinations and circumcision, hospital staff gave them paperwork for consent to cremate or preserve Rafael’s body for burial.

“The nurse came in who was discharging us, and was like, ‘Okay, are you guys ready?’ We were, so just handed him to her,” Allie said.

Ecclesiastes 3:2a, 3:4

A time to give birth and a time to die;...A time to weep and a time to laugh;A time to mourn and a time to dance.

Invisible Pain in a Busy World

The autopsy revealed both the limitations of science and the omniscience of the Holy One: Rafael was a perfectly healthy baby boy.

“It was just his time to go home,” Jeramy said softly. “And there’s nothing we could have done to prevent him from dying.”

Their home was filled with diapers, a bassinet, a gorgeous stroller, and all their crushed hopes.

“It was just hard - it was so hard - being home, ya know? We have all of our stuff for him there, and his room was ready,” Jeramy moved a toy over to his daughter’s reach.

Emotional and physical exhaustion brought them a night of deep sleep. When daylight broke through, so did waves of grief, as random bouts of tears or numbness washed over them both.

“It was just us again and it was just shocking. There were times where life was so normal. We’d watch a movie, we’d do normal things, you know? But then we would just cry randomly. And then if Allie cried, then I would cry, or if I would cry, then she would cry, or we both would just be numb. It was just so many emotions.”

Jeramy recalled being at the grocery store one day when he was unexpectedly hit with waves of sorrow. Tears suddenly streamed down his face as he stood in the baked goods aisle. A woman gave him a concerned look.

“I just remember thinking that she doesn’t know what happened to us. She’s just shopping. I didn’t say anything to her but I left then.”

A Mother With Empty Arms

Their grief was shared, but Allie alone carried the emptiness in her very cells.

“It was really, really weird. When you give birth, your body responds. My milk came in and I had to suppress it and that is so painful, for two to three days,” she recalled of those disorienting postpartum days. “I would take a shower, and it was just so crazy. I just gave birth and I’m taking a shower at my house without my baby?!”

She was prepared for sleepless nights, but not empty arms, and needed something to occupy her time. After Jeramy returned to work, she picked up a job as a barista.

“It was this weird shift. I didn’t know what to do, so I went back to work because I needed somewhere to go that my mind would be occupied. Something mundane,” she explained.

While customers were concerned about skinny lattes and seasonal syrups, Allie’s mind remained fixed on her baby boy as her body went through the hormonal and physical changes of childbirth.

“Their lives have just kept going, but I felt like I was stuck just a little. I wanted to scream, ‘Don’t you see? I am dead because my baby - my son - just died!!!’ But, no, they didn’t see. Because I was smiling and I just worked at Starbucks. It was hard for me. How do you go back to your life when it’s so shifted?!” She pondered the memory as Jeramy swept their daughter into his arms for a quick snuggle.

Proverbs 18:14

The spirit of a man can endure his sickness,But as for a broken spirit, who can bear it?

Jeramy saw the hurt in his wife’s eyes and longed to love her well. It was their first experience with such tragedy, and he was often at a loss for words - trying to discern when to hug her, when to speak, when to bring Rafael up, and when to simply let the silence be. Both were learning how to grieve righteously while loving the other from brokenness.

The Church Bears Their Burden

Ben, Jeramy’s older brother, supported them with his presence. Nearly every day after work, he went to their house, often showing up with coffee or food. He was intentionally casual, never making a fuss when movies were interrupted with sudden bursts of tears. He simply made himself available, reminding them that they were not expected to move on at a set rate. He saw their grief and came alongside them to share the burden.

Clinging to Christ and the knowledge of who He is has irrevocably changed them both. Temptations to give in to despair, blame themselves, or let hurt give way to anger were ever present. But the faithful prayers of their church body were answered, and they found themselves able to consider it all joy. They found their God was an ever-present help.

Pastor Travis checked on them regularly, making time to meet with them for dinner, send texts, and speak with them at church. Other members of the church found their own ways to come alongside them.

One Sunday at church, a young woman came up to Allie and grabbed her arm. “You’re Allie, right?” she asked in a tender voice. “I just want you to know that I’ve been praying for you.”

Sarah had been following Allie’s story through her sister-in-law before she even attended the same church. She had experienced infant loss as well and was praying constantly for Allie and Jeramy. Allie marveled at the mercy of God, bringing His saints to their knees even for others they had never met.

One church elder and his wife ministered to the couple in particularly meaningful ways. For Jeramy, it came by way of text.

“I’ll paraphrase it, but Bill said, ‘Brother, I’m so sorry for your loss. Just know, this baby was born for eternity.’ That was it. Just one sentence. But it was so sweet,” Jeramy said.

For the grieving father, those words carried a profound reminder: Rafael’s life had never been outside God’s sovereign care.

One of Allie’s most cherished memories of that time came from Bill’s wife, Tricia. She invited Allie to spend time with her, in any way Allie wanted to, presenting a range of options for her to select from. On the way to dinner at an Italian restaurant, she was compassionately straightforward about expectations.

“She told me, ‘We don’t have to talk about it. Or we can talk about it. I can talk the whole time if you don’t want to talk. You can talk the whole time. Just tell me what you want us to do…’” she quoted with a smile. "It was the first time since Rafael passed that I was like, ‘You know, I’m still a human and I can go out and get food to eat. And there's still people who love us.’ I already knew that. But it was just a little glimpse into normalcy and it felt so nice.”

They did talk about Rafael, but not the whole time. And for the first time, ordinary life felt possible again.

Romans 12:15

Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.

Content With God’s Sovereignty

Jeramy and Allie learned that God’s sovereignty could not remain merely a doctrine to learn and observe. It was a truth they had to live out through their minds, wills, and emotions. It had to be true through the joyful moments and the most painful of trials.

“Before eternity began, Rafael had forty weeks and three days of life. Before the earth was made. We know that is how long his life was going to be no matter what. I mean, we didn’t know that, but God knew. And that’s perfect and it’s a part of his plan, and there’s nothing better than his plan,” Jeramy reflected peacefully.

At first, Allie asked the question we all do: Why? Why, Lord? But ultimately, she knew the question was not going to change what God had ordained. Her husband reminded her, “God is sovereign, and his ways are unknown to us, and that’s okay.”

Their story would look very different if they did not know God and serve Him as their Lord.

Jeramy had learned that God’s sovereignty demanded more than verbal agreement. It demanded contentment.

“You hear it all the time: God’s sovereign. God’s sovereign. Just trust in him. Yeah, that’s true. But you need to actually believe that and be content with it. Even with the death of a child. You have to be content with your life and with the circumstances that God’s put you in because he can change it at any time he wants. Maybe he never will, and you still have to be content with that because if you really believe Romans 8 - I mean that whole chapter - then you will be content. And you know that even if it’s hard, God is doing this because it’s actually best for you,” Jeramy preached.

Allie nodded thoughtfully in agreement. “Whatever the trial it is, when you come out of it, you will look back and see God’s lovingkindness was in it… and even though it feels like you have lost your whole world, it’s not forever. In the end, everything here on earth is God’s anyways, so why would I be mad that he took something that’s his?”

Psalm 24:1

The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof,the world and those who dwell therein.

A Time for Family

The Lord opened Allie’s womb again and blessed her with a daughter. With delicate features, a slow smile, and dark saucer eyes, Ruby is loved beyond measure. She peers curiously over their shoulders during church service, rewarding those who catch her eye with a tiny, toothy grin before shyly looking away.

At the time they shared this story, Allie was peacefully pregnant again, trusting the God of mercy with whatever He ordained for her preborn child. She was content with knowing none of it was in her control. A few months later, another healthy baby girl was added to their family - little Annie.

The memory of Rafael will live on in their hearts forever. They still grieve his loss, but through the grace of God, it is well with their souls.

“He’s at home with the Lord and there’s no better place to be,” Jeramy said.